DVD Review - Artie Lange's Beer League

I wanted to see this comedy in September when it was released, but I would've had to live near one of the 3 screens in Jersey it played at for that to have been possible. Seriously, this movie didn't open wide. It opened so thin only an industrial meatcutter could've produced something thinner. It opened so thin Nicole Richie saw it just for the diet tips. It opened so thin it fell into a bulimic coma, hence the reason nobody saw it. Thats not true; the respected film critic Richard Roeper saw it and he gave it one of it's few favourable reviews. He said: and I'm paraphrasing, "It sucked, but it was better than Failure to Launch", which is critic speak for 'Ishtar sucked, but it's better than Gigli".
Okay, so I'm being a little harsh, but only because I know that Artie Lange is a supremely gifted comedian and could've come up with something better than this. Was it his first film role? No. He was in Dirty Work and Old School, but in those movies he played a character, written by someone else. And he was funny. In Beer League he plays himself! He was kinda funny, but he wrote the damn part and even produced the thing so you'd think he woulda stepped up to the plate! (pun intended)
Beer League is about a chubby, alcoholic loser named Artie who realises how important his community baseball league team is in just enough time to rally the players and try to beat the asshole jocks threatening to kick them out of the league. Shouldn't be too difficult considering Artie's best friend and team mate is the Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio (who plays the perfect best friend and does a helluva job for a washed-up has-been), right? Well, but see Artie also wants to win back the girl of his dreams, Linda, played by the gorgeous Cara Buono, (The Sopranos) bringing some real acting talent to another underused character.
There are some genuine laughs here, and in full disclosure I should come clean about my love for Artie Lange. I'm a HUGE fan of his stand-up and status as Howard Stern's sidekick. The guy gave up a well-paying gig as a longshoreman on the New York City docks to make a go of it in showbiz as a comic, and aside from respecting the hell outta him I also think he did the right thing. The fucker is talented! But I gotta be honest, I didn't love this movie. For most of the first half it felt like the director (Frank Sebastiano, co-wrote with Artie) was so confidant in his talent and writing that he only did one take of every scene and moved on. Did one of his kids have a dance recital or something?
As we move deeper... no, let's say further into the story it seems to hit it's stride, but for most people who, unlike me aren't huge Artie fans, that might be more than they can take. I remember when I finally saw Trey Parker and Matt Stones' Baseketball. I love everything those guys do. I get them. I'm on their side. But ten minutes into Baseketball I turned that fucker off and slapped myself for spending seven dollars on it second-hand.
Artie, I didn't slap myself after this one, and I watched it all the way through. (I didn't slap myself cos I didn't buy it, I rented it, but if I don't return it on time I'm gonna have to pay a fine and then I'm gonna be pissed at you!)
And seriously, it wasn't horrible. It really had its moments. Next time - and I hope there's a next time - don't be so keen to set up the gags. If we're into it we'll get it. And edgy humour can be funny if you don't draw a big flashing neon arrow at it.
I love you, Art. Just to prove it I'll probably have to support you by buying one of these fucking DVDs if it means you'll be able to do more in the future.
If you see Beer League you'll see the seeds of a great talent looking for the right support. A better writing partner and a good comedic director and Artie Lange is the next HUGE (pun NOT intended) comedy star. He's got 'It'. He just needs to make 'It' work for him.

DVD Review - The Descent -SPOILER ALERT-

If you are afraid of the following things do not watch this film: creepy cabins, groups of women, the woods, caves, enclosed spaces, really enclosed spaces, the dark, mutant cannibals, english accents, badly presented out-takes, visceral frights.
All others give it a go.

I was sceptical going in to this one. Everyone told me it was SUPER scary and that is usually the kiss of death for a horror flick for me. I normally like scary movies that people say are "too gross to watch", or "over the line". Or even "there's scary, and then theres beyond watchable". They said that about Wolf Creek*. (*see earlier review) Some even said that about Hostel*, though I only agree to a point. (*also reviewed here)
With this one I wasn't sure, and in the first few scenes, tho there were some good creepout scares to suck me in, I was interested but expecting a lot.

First off, the choice to film this spelunking horror in almost total darkness was good in that you get a real sense of the claustrophobia the characters were feeling. They couldn't see a damn thinig and neither could you. The problem with this is when the story progresses past the simple fear of the unknown and delves into the realm of the mysterious stalking creature, and once you know it exists you have to be able to see what the fuck is going on. I mean as an audience member you can only listen to so many battles during which a light flickers and an otherworldly translucsent eye flashes before you begin to wonder who's winning? Is it my girls or the creepy bald naked crawly dudes?
I used the word 'visceral' earlier.
The films strengths (and there are many) lie in the scares you wait for and ultimately don't expect. The Descent is most effective when it builds up to a scare, like in the first half. In the second half you have to battle the lighting and rely on your memory of which blonde pretty girl is which? And which exotic brunette is which? So when exotic brunette is screaming for blonde girl, who is calling for who? In the beginning we see them all at a reunion but they don't use each others' names effectively enough for me to know who's who later when it matters.
Was I scared? Most of the time, yeah. The Descent was good at being creepy and shocking at times. But once they enter the deeper cave I was glaring at the dark screen wondering, "who is dying? Who survived? Who escaped? What's that thing?" And that would all be fine if in the end we realized it was all for a reason.
Guess what...
Yeah, thats right, when I saw the end I was shocked visually, but ultimately I was left cold. I think if you have to read the director's explanation to confirm you got the ending then it obviously wasn't a good ending.
Yeah, I figured it out, but I couldn't believe it was that lame so I did some research and again, guess what, that was it.

Would I recommend this one? Sure. It's scary. It's def creepy.
I think at one point in my reviews I was gonna try and start a ratings system but hell if I can remember what it was. Lets say for this one, as an all over film I give it 2 out of 5. As a mindless horror I'll raise it to 3 out of 5, cos I know it depends on yer mood. If you just want a scare, go for it. If you want a good film, put it a bit lower on yer list but give it a shot.

*Coming up: a review of Artie Lange's Beer League! Now on DVD! I love this stand-up comic/Howard Stern regular so I expect great things, despite most of the reviews. I'll let you know.

-p.s. the title image is the photograph created by Salvador Dali upon which the film's poster image is based.